Doing the best for your children after separation

All parents want to be the best that they can for their children. However, it can be difficult to feel like you’re achieving that after a separation.

Alongside working on improved relationships with our partners, peers and family, focusing on the best ways to navigate a separation involving children can help you lead a happy and healthy life.

 

Family breakdowns are incredibly tough on everyone

Relationship breakdown can be one of the most difficult periods in a person’s life. It is often a time when you may experience confusion, sadness and anger with high levels of conflict. For some, these emotions can continue for a period of time, while for others, an acceptance that the relationship has ended occurs very quickly. That’s when the healing process commences.

Sadly, our kids can be the ones most impacted by the end of a relationship. One reason for that is that children react to separation in different ways. The way your child reacts depends on many factors including:

  • Family relationships before separation
  • Your children’s ages and personalities
  • How both parents manage the situation.

The following tips are intended to help separating couples to minimise any impact on their kids. While you may cease to be a partner, you never cease to be a parent.

 

Common responses from children when parents separate

Children commonly feel powerless and insecure during a family breakdown. The grieving process that children go through when their parents separate is often quite different to adults. They may feel:

  • Angry and sad about the loss of the family unit
  • Abandoned or rejected by the parent that leaves
  • Confused about whether it is alright to love the parent who no longer lives with them
  • Guilty, as though somehow the separation must be their fault
  • Worried about the parent who is not living with them
  • Some children may regress in their development – e.g. return to bedwetting, begin to use baby talk, act out aggressively or antisocially.

 

Questions that kids in separating families might have on their minds

  • Who is responsible for me?
  • Will I have to change schools?
  • Can I still see my friends?
  • Will I still visit my grandparents/extended family?
  • What will happen to my pets?
  • How can I tell my friends what’s happening?
  • If I am separated from my brothers and sisters, will we still see each other?

Try to discuss these questions with your children. It might help you to see things from their perspective and provide some focus for you in dealing with the end of your relationship.

 

Characteristics of separating couples

Combative couples

Characterised by high conflict, these parents tend to focus on the wrong-doings of their partner, and rarely talk except in anger. They do not want to see each other and avoid contact as much as possible. They often need a third party (lawyer, mediator or child) to settle disagreements. These relationships can often result in children feeling abandoned, compelled to choose sides, or be the mediator.

 

Business partners (cooperative parenting)

Characterised by partners that are able to make joint decisions about their children, these partners keep any conflict separate from their interactions with their children. This parental relationship is intended to minimise adverse emotional effects on children while allowing them to have their own individual relationship with each parent.

Many couples will float between combative and business partner characterisations. Additionally, one parent may be attempting to be cooperative whilst the other is combative. If you find yourself in a situation where the other person is not working with you around the children, try to not let this impact on your children.

 

What parents can do to minimise the impact on their kids

  • Avoid arguing in front of your children
  • Don’t criticise the other parent in front them
  • Try to make supportive comments of your child’s ongoing relationship with the other parent when talking to them
  • Continue to communicate with the other parent about your child’s needs and interests
  • Avoid asking your children to give messages to the other parent
  • Turn to other adults for emotional support rather than your child
  • Reassure your kids that they are not to blame for the separation
  • Ensure that your children know that you and their other parent still love them
  • Encourage your children to talk about the separation. Secrets can be very tough on children
  • Consider advising your child’s school about what is happening. The best way to do this is via the principal, school counsellor or teachers.

 

Need help? You can find support services in northern Queensland or complete a self-administered K10 test for depression and anxiety. You can also join the online social and mental health forum to talk with like-minded people.